NOPE.

And they DELIVERED.

The accidental threesome:

The accidental threesome:

My girlfriend's dog (like many mutts) really loved the "scent" of her neither regions. Chewing on underwear, rooting around in the bathroom garbage — you get the picture.

One night, we were in missionary position with her legs up on my shoulders. Just as we were both in the throes of orgasm, her dog, who had apparently snuck up on the bed, jammed his cold little nose right up between my cheeks as I was finishing.

The dog and I never spoke of this event but I always felt him looking at me with a little too much affection after that fated night.

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johannamas0n.tumblr.com

The special delivery:

The special delivery:

I was super hungover and I ordered GrubHub. It said it would take 45 minutes so I decided to masturbate. The front door was locked but the security screen was there just so I can hear when GrubHub comes. Well, as soon as I came I screamed, "Yes!" and then I heard, "I love it when our customers are happy to see us." Turns out the moment I came so did my food.

michelek11

Columbia Pictures / Via buzzfeed.com

The eye-opening experience:

The eye-opening experience:

This one time my boyfriend and I had one of the most mindblowing orgasms and sex that we had ever had. However immediately after that, I went legit blind in one eye and had half my eyesight in the other. It went away after about 15 minutes. I thought my retina was torn!

When I went to see the eye doc and asked about that, he said I probably had an ocular migraine, but because of the endorphins I had after sex I didn’t get the pain part of it.

vickif48ce0f834

NBC / Via twodumbgirls.tumblr.com

The dirty double date:

The dirty double date:

I was on a fourth date with this girl, and she was a friend’s sister. We went to dinner. Little did I know that my friend and his girlfriend would be joining.

So, in the middle of a Chili’s, this girl grabs my junk and starts cranking away. In the middle of all of this, with her free hand, she texts me, “Let me know when you’re about to come.” I read the message and I told her. She then pointed my dick downwards and I came on the floor. Or so I thought. My friend’s girlfriend, who is now his wife, leaves the table and I swear to God, she says, “Damnit, I got potatoes on my shoes.”

tonys4a96ee46a

The Carsey-Werner Company

The suppertime surprise:

The suppertime surprise:

When I was younger (about 11) I would go out into the hot tub at home after swim practices because the pool was so cold. By this time I discovered the jets in that way. So right as I was about to finish, my dad walks out and starts to talk to me so I’m trying to hold my face still as my dad asks me about whether I wanted mac and cheese for dinner or chicken nuggets.

—Anonymous

Disney / Via reddit.com

The TIIIIIMBEER:

The TIIIIIMBEER:

After a particularly intense session with my fiancé, I hopped off the bed to clean myself up and collapsed onto the floor. My legs were still shaky and not cooperating. He's laughing, I'm laughing — then I pee myself.

oliviajk42

Hulu / Via giphy.com

The unexpected reaction:

The unexpected reaction:

My boyfriend was going down on me for the first time and instead of having an orgasm, I had a full-blown panic attack. He had no idea what was going on and thought I was enjoying it, until I kicked him in the head. We have been dating for nine months now and he is still timid when it comes to eating me out.

emilyl4e9eea059

ABC / Via giphy.com

The pain that was oh-so-worth it:

The pain that was oh-so-worth it:

One time I had a VERY intense orgasm while using my vibrator, and ended up kneeing myself in the face which resulted in a very messy bloody nose. Still no regrets though.

smhoman

funk / Via giphy.com

The curious critter:

The curious critter:

I was once "flicking the bean" in bed under the covers. Little did I know, my hand shaking under the covers had gotten the attention of my kitten. Right as I reached an orgasm, he pounced on my hand/bean. I'm sad to say he's still the only man to ever give me an orgasm.

megans48d129c62

reddit.com

The little white lie:

The little white lie:

I was jerking my gherkin in my room, sitting at my desk, with the trash can next to me. When I went to come, I ended up pissing in the trash can. The next day, I forgot to take out my trash. My mom had to do it for me, and she asked me why there was solid liquid at the bottom. I had to tell her that I had spilled water in the trash can. FML.

pringlea

5-Second Films / Via giphy.com

The worst intruder:

The worst intruder:

My girlfriend at the time was giving me a BJ. My dad opened the door and ended up staring me right in the eyes as I finished. Horrifying.

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Madden / Via imgur.com

The after-O surprise:

The after-O surprise:

When my boyfriend and I were still in the early months of dating, we were doing it missionary style. Right after he came, he let out a huge fart.

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The Lonely Island / Via imgur.com

The feeling best expressed in song:

The feeling best expressed in song:

My then-boyfriend (current fiancé) made me orgasm so hard I started crying and singing "The Circle of Life" from Lion King. Still don't know why a kid's movie came to mind.

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Disney / Via giphy.com

The splash zone:

The splash zone:

Was doing anal with my ex once, and we decided to record it and watch it after. I came in her ass and brought the phone up real close to film it drip. Well, sometimes air gets pushed in there and she farted air. Before I could even dodge, I had my own cum shot at my face. Thankfully the phone caught most of it.

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funk / Via giphy.com

The baffling birth:

The baffling birth:

I had an orgasm while in the middle of giving birth to my daughter in the delivery room. The contractions were so strong that each time I had one, my vagina muscles would contract over and over. By the time it was time to deliver I ended up squirting in the doctor's face. That lasted for roughly a minute and a half. When I started to push, I started to pee as well. The doctor was covered and in shock because it happened so fast. To this day I wonder how long it took him to wash up after he was done with my delivery.

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Universal Pictures / Via buzzfeed.com

The big freeze:

The big freeze:

My girlfriend was eating me out and I'm still not sure what happened, but before I knew it, she was frantically asking me what was wrong. I told her I was fine but as soon as I spoke, I realized my face was numb and I couldn't move my lips. Turns out I had fainted while coming and froze my face in a permanent O-face.

magdelinev

Universal Pictures / Via gifimage.net

The dream:

The dream:

I stayed in the same room as my brother while my aunt and her boyfriend were outside the door. Had a sex dream and I think I might've moaned really loudly in the middle of the night and woke my brother...and possibly my aunt.

irishpink

Hulu / Via giphy.com

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